Reality Check – Stagnation
I’m finding life a little hard to handle at the moment. I’m not quite sure if it’s solely due to my prolonged unemployment status, but I’m pretty sure that has a hand in it. I find that as I’m going through the motions, things just don’t feel the same. I find myself doing chores around the house, being more aware of my mess and trying to keep things clean, but I blame that on muscle memory after these months of doing nothing but house chores. Unfortunately, I don’t see myself doing much else.
My art has stagnated, and as such my commission list is suffering as I seem to have hit an artist block and just can’t quite make my layouts right. This is making me angry, but only just, because it’s more of a “I need to get this done and sent to the buyer” than “you know this crap” kind of thing.
My reading has slowed. In fact, its at a dead stop. Perhaps I should consider renewing my library card and finding a few books that will interest me. I would so love to jump back into my all-time favorite children’s mystery series of Encyclopedia Brown again now that I’m older and see if I can get the clues and know what happen before the reveal. Yes, I reread books, and yes, I like young adult fiction. Truly though, if you haven’t read that series, I implore you to do so. Donald J. Sobol was a genius and I one day hope to get my kids to read his timeless stories. It’s fitting, that I have this craving to read his series as it’s the one year anniversary of his death.
But I’m digressing… I feel like I haven’t done much, and I feel like I’m not going anywhere. In truth, this isn’t just a physical matter, as I really haven’t done much and really haven’t gone anywhere in the past eight months. For a girl who was living a lifestyle of 18 credit hours a semester, 40 hour work week… that’s crazy. It’s like going 100 miles per hour and immediately slamming on the brakes, only to crawl to a slow and steady pace of 5 miles per hour. I’m going nuts.
I know this has affected my writing in the last few weeks as well as the stagnation seems to cling to me as bad as this 90% humidity we’re currently having. I sleep in because I know I have nothing to do that day, so why bother? I take a nap after lunch because it makes time pass faster.
I truly cannot wait to start a job. I really can’t. I have always been that type of person that if I don’t have something to do constantly, I end up becoming a total bum. I lose creativity, ingenuity, willpower. I lose motivation faster than a leaky bucket, Eliza. Seriously, let’s get this train a rolling, because I can’t take much more without screaming.
And perhaps that’s what I’m doing here… screaming. Screaming to the world the frustration of the unemployed. The frustration of a college grad who cannot find a job. The frustration of being in debt and knowing that my emergency fund in dwindling. Just sheer frustration and I’m afraid it’s going to become desperation and I’m just going to take any ol’ job and throw my self-worth out the window.
Count those Raindrops.