Losing the Spark
Have you ever had the moment in your life where you become lost? Perhaps not physically lost.. I know exactly where I am, and I have always been a good navigator thanks to my inherent abilities of figuring out my internal compass directions, but I mean more the emotionally, mentally, soul-bound lost. The kind of lost where it feels like nothing really permeates that armor (or perhaps not so thick-skin) of yours. Even the classics aren’t getting a rise out of you. For me, that means comic books, action movies, and even spending time with people I love and hold dear to my soul isn’t quite cutting it. Oh, I do just fine in the sporadic moments of happiness, but then I go right back to my monotonous self.
I blame it on no one but myself of course. Perhaps if I had not spontaneously quit my previous job and instead had calculated and waited… Perhaps I’d still be in a good mood. Or perhaps I’m kidding myself to even that timeline. Let’s be honest, I wasn’t happy there. I hated it there. I could feel my soul being sucked from me like a true Dementor’s Kiss. Except I had no expecto patronum up my sleeve and no matter the amount of chocolate, I just couldn’t get happy. So I faked it.
I began this blog to help track my progress on eliminating my debt. I think I need to rethink what all I want this to be. In fact, I believe I need to rethink my whole outlook.
I’ve been stuck in a rut for nearly a year and getting that new job hasn’t quite got me out of the funk like I thought it would. Oh sure, I enjoy it just fine. I love being able to say that I had a part in building that car that’s driving down the street, and the people I work with? Ha, they are just a hoot and I wouldn’t trade them for anything.
But my personal life? What personal life? I watch television sometimes, but even now that’s off and I’m just spending my time procrastinating online surfing facebook and twitter… reading silly articles, or even more depressing ones that make the future look even more bleak.
I need to get back to my old self. I need to rekindle that fire I had in my belly. Perhaps I need to think about taking a course or two at my college again. I enjoyed being the academic. I need to turn on my music and just listen, and really listen. I need to dance to that music. I need to set fire to my creative process and start writing again. Not just here, but with my friends again. I need to read more, love more, explore more. I need that adventure, that thrill to come back.
I need to cultivate myself; find myself again… before I lose everything and it’s too late.
If that means forcing myself to do things, well I guess I’m just going to have to tell myself, “Suck it up, Buttercup,” and get on with it.
Count those Raindrops